This Dream

August 25, 2011

I have this dream. It involves Jesse and I sitting on our couch in the morning. He’s sipping coffee and we are talking about the upcoming things in our day. Then, we hear ‘the sounds’ emanating from upstairs. And soon, six sets of little feet come pitter-pattering down the stairs. We help them grab their bowls of cereal and glasses of milk.  As we all converge around the living area, Jesse prays and reads something from the Bible.

That’s it. That’s my dream. Its simple. Nothing fancy. It has been my dream since I met him – Jesse. I always wanted a lot of kids and when he said 6 sounded fun – well, we were meant for each other. We got married and started building our lives together.

We bought a huge house and got pregnant. Our little lady arrived on the scene.

Around this time, we fell in love with the youth group at our church.  We felt God calling us.  At the same time, Jesse discovered a calling to return to college and study graphic design.  He started a work from home job and went back to school. I started working full-time.  We became the youth ministers at our church and we just felt so excited about the things God was bringing into our lives.  Soon, this little dude came too.  And we were very excited.

Jesse’s work-from-home job became demanding – they didn’t even give him 2 days off for Evan’s birth.  I had a c-section and had limitations – I couldn’t carry anything heavier than the baby.  This made it hard to care for our little ones.  In the end, Jesse had to leave that job.  We moved out of our gargantuan house and into a two bedroom apartment.  Six months later, we were officially in foreclosure.  I started working night shift. I got pregnant. We stepped down from ministry.  The bill tally was $1000 more than we made each month. Peanut butter and jelly was our daily staple.  It began to feel a little less ‘exciting’. 

In my third month of pregnancy, I developed kidney stones.  In my fifth month, overwhelmed by the circumstances around me, I became depressed and suicidal.   Our apartment lease ended and my parents offered to let us live with them. I think ‘very worried’ hardly described my mom’s feelings.

We moved in and welcomed some Good News.

At Evan’s 18-month check-up, the doctor was concerned about his lack of speech.  Soon we sat in a neurologist’s office and listened to his remarks that we were likely looking at ‘autism spectrum disorder’. 

In these moments, I felt so far from the patter of six little feet and Bible readings over coffee. Some days I still feel pretty far from it.  I wonder if it is even worth considering anymore. 

At the beginning of this year, a good friend of our’s prayed for us.  He told us that God was going to restore us this year.  I remember feeling hopeful and doubtful, all at the same time. 

Saturday was Jesse and I’s sixth anniversary.  Unfortunately, with my new job, I had not been able to request it off. However, that morning I received a call saying that I could have the day of.  Lying in bed, I began to think about the last year and the gratitude just overwhelmed me. 

We paid off over $30,000 in debt, when I only made $21,000 the entire year. We moved out on our own. Jesse got a job – a great one. I got a job – a great one, with great hours.  I’m starting to feel restored.  This morning, I had this song in my head:

It’s been a long, hard road these last few years. Yet, it seems we are finally rounding the bend.  In the end, all of the struggle, the pain – it led us straight to Him. We could not have survived it all without Jesus. It sounds hokey and cliche, but He truly has been our Savior. 

Which brings me to Evan…

I just hope this road leads him straight to You, Jesus.

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I believe God changes circumstances.  I believe God, literally, gives people money.  Certainly, there are times when it seems that their employer gave them money or a loved one ‘left’ them money.  Yet, I believe that it all flows from this giant storehouse of ‘dough’ in the sky.  I know it sounds silly.  Yet, I cannot explain another way that formula showed up on my doorstep when Arianna was 6 months-old and our account was overdrawn.  Nor can I explain how we paid off $30,000 in debt in 2 years when my income was even less than that.  Certainly, someone probably put formula on our doorstep and God moved the hearts of our creditors to cancel some of our debt.  I am definitely not proud of what led us to those circumstances.  Our sins, however, do not diminish God’s work in our lives.  In fact, they illuminate the glory of His redemption. 

Right now, I would really like for God to change our circumstances.  (Wouldn’t we all?)  When I pray for these things, I envision myself shaking the legs of this really tall, super-dude.  Then, these giant gold coins start reigning down at my feet.  I know, its not really traditional and highly unlikely.  What have I done to deserve His blessing?  Just about nothing. 

Today, I got a quote from Anthem for Evan’s insurance.  It would cover his ABA therapy, which he needs 20-40 hours a week.  To put it lightly, ABA therapy is a little expensive.  Imagine paying someone with a lot of education to work with your son full-time.  Now, imagine that person makes more than you do.  How are you going to pay them?  Well, you have to buy more insurance.  Unfortunately, that insurance costs $700/month.  Yes, that’s right!  If I wasn’t a believer, then I might consider some very desperate ways of obtaining this money.  Its that important that Evan have it.  He needs this therapy so much!!!

I don’t want pity right now, but I want people to know how to pray for us.  Take a minute and see what adding a $700 bill to your monthly payments does.  Then, envision me shaking God’s legs again.  Please pray that God opens up a giant whole in the sky over our family and that all of the resources of heaven and earth (money) are at our disposal.  If that seems weird to you, then pray that Jesse get a job.  And if you know anyone who needs a FABULOUS graphic designer, then tell them about Jesse! 

I believe God created the people who designed and discovered the effectiveness of ABA therapy and I believe He wants Evan to have access to it.

For my little dude.

Jedi Evan Courtesy Peter Evans
Evan dressed as a Jedi for Halloween.

To God be the Glory. 

Great things He will do.